However, where there is an imbalance of power \u2014 a victim-perpetrator scenario \u2014 where the abuser is a spiritual leader or a narcissist twists facts to personal advantage, or an addict\u2019s mind is altered by dependency, then the\u00a0biblical approach in Matthew 18<\/a>\u00a0may not be the functional solution.<\/p>\n This terrifying reality is a huge part of why abuse victims don\u2019t come forward, especially when the abuser is a pastor\/elder\/spiritual leader\/boss\/well-respected domestic partner. Instead of feeling protected, the abused individual is often re-victimized by forced reconciliation attempts.<\/p>\n Contrast this common pattern with Jesus\u2019 actions when He found a traumatized Mary huddled on the ground in fear of the public accusations of her sexual predators (see\u00a0John 8<\/a>).<\/p>\n Christ did not tell her to take a seat across from her abuser as an equal player in the scenario. Instead, He sheltered her, pointed out the arrogance and narcissism of the spiritual leaders condemning her participation, publicly exposed their secret sins in the sand for all to see. After they melted away from the crowd, He picked her up and offered His forgiveness and protection.<\/p>\n Jesus urged Mary to avoid future similar situations (\u201cgo and sin no more\u201d) but did not blame her for the abuse. Nor did he force her to extend trust or reconcile with the men who had been using her body for their pleasure. He placed the burden of change squarely where it belonged \u2014 on the shoulders of the abusers. And He did it in a way that never violated the free will of either victim or perpetrator.<\/p>\n Forgiveness is solo, reconciliation is a\u00a0joint venture<\/a>. Effective attempts at forgiveness tend to share four common elements:<\/em><\/p>\n A. Express the emotion Dr. Howes points out that the A\/B\/C\/4 outline is intentional. Points A, B, and C may happen out of order, or over and over before you are ready to embrace the fourth step of release.<\/p>\n The key to every individual\u2019s capacity to let go of bitterness and truly forgive those who have caused us pain, lies in recognizing\u00a0how much we have been forgiven. It melts our anger to see why God has a right to be angry with us \u2014 because we broke the relational law too, and are still breaking it.<\/p>\n You can forgive someone for abandoning you in a time of need, for walking away, for not putting you first, for letting you go.<\/em><\/p>\n But that doesn\u2019t mean you trust that person again.<\/em><\/p>\n Forgiveness means you accept what wrongs have been done to you, you let go of those wrongs, you calm your heart with God\u2019s love and patience, and you begin again\u2014with or without that person. My mother tells the story of when I was four years old, and childish disobedience resulted in unpleasant consequences. \u201cDo you forgive me, Mommy?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n \u201cWait!\u201d I balked. \u201cIf you forgive me, you can\u2019t spank me! Why am I still getting consequences if you said you forgive me?\u201d<\/p>\n She sat down in the rocking chair with me and pulled out her Bible, turning to the story of King David in 1 Chronicles 21. In summary, God had called David to rely fully and completely on Him for protection against Israel\u2019s enemies, but David decided he needed to know how many soldiers he had in his army. So, against divine counsel, David commissioned a census. Not that a census is wrong per se, but it implied that David wasn\u2019t actually trusting God to follow through. And he did it even though he\u2019d been told not to.<\/p>\n After the census, God confronted King David\u2019s disobedience.\u00a0David said to God, \u201cI have sinned very much by doing this thing. But now I beg You, take away the sin of Your servant for I have done a very foolish thing.\u201d (1\u00a0<\/em>Chronicles\u00a0<\/i>21:9<\/em>)<\/p>\n In other words, David was deeply sorry. He was begging God to forgive him and wipe his slate clean. We know throughout Scripture that God promises to forgive anyone who asks. And later in the story, David offers a sacrifice that God accepts on the altar. So we know God forgave him.<\/p>\n But in the meantime, there were still consequences. Gad, the prophet, brought a divine message saying, \u201cI give you three things to choose from. Choose one of them.\u201d (vs 10-12) David was forced to decide which punishment would be enacted on his people, knowing that his decision to distrust God\u2019s ability to protect was now going to cost thousands of innocent lives in Israel.<\/p>\n Even as a four-year-old, I could recognize the clear message \u2013\u00a0choices have\u00a0consequences.\u00a0<\/em>Mommy may fully forgive me, but my actions still hurt me or hurt other people.<\/p>\n I am free to obey or disobey. God\u2019s commitment to free will is profound.<\/p>\n Free will is the central aspect of His love toward us and is the core concept that guides expressions of Godly love toward each other.<\/p>\n Victims can\u2019t be forced to forgive. Free will means we purposefully choose to forgive those who have wounded us. But it also means we respect the choice of an unrepentant abuser not to change, not to submit to accountability, not to embrace lasting humility. And free will means we are welcome to draw healthy boundaries that allow us to stay safe from toxic people.<\/p>\n Jesus clearly instructs us to forgive those who cause us pain, over and over again.\u00a0Matthew 6:15<\/a>reminds us that God forgives us only as free as we forgive others.\u00a0Mark 11:25<\/a>,\u00a0Luke 6:37<\/a>\u00a0&\u00a017:4<\/a>, and\u00a0John 20:23<\/a>\u00a0all reiterate this principle.<\/p>\n Remembering does not equal holding a grudge \u2013 because that wouldn\u2019t be forgiveness in the first place. Remembering\u00a0does<\/em>\u00a0mean staying aware of behavior patterns to avoid falling into co-dependent cycles or enabling the other person\u2019s sins.<\/p>\n But wait, you say? Doesn\u2019t God say he will throw our sins into the sea? Doesn\u2019t that mean that he never brings them up again? Yes\u2026 and no.<\/p>\n Micah 7:19<\/a>\u00a0describes God saying,\u00a0He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities, and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea. (KJV)<\/em>\u00a0In this passage, God promises to show compassion, but He also subdues the iniquity before casting sins into the depths of the sea. This means the power of the sin has been restrained, neutralized before it\u2019s buried under the ocean. It does not mean that when a victim reaches forgiveness in their heart, that an abuser with unsubdued iniquity has the right to demand trust and privileges of relationship, nor that an outside third party has the authority to prescribe forced reconciliation.\u00a0in this philosophy, forgiveness = instant absolution without restitution. Which is absolutely unbiblical.<\/p>\n Interestingly, God does not even practice that in His own relationships.\u00a0Isaiah chapter 1<\/a> launches with a message to Judah addressing the people\u2019s on-again, off-again dedication to their relationship with God:<\/p>\n 10<\/sup><\/span>Listen to the\u00a0Lord<\/span>, you leaders of \u201cSodom.\u201d<\/span><\/em> Biblical divine forgiveness still hinges on whether or not the wrongdoer shows authentic repentance.<\/p>\n God is insulted by the pretense of piety, public displays of worthiness, and self-serving entitlement by those who have caused pain \u2013 including sexual abuse \u2013 as people of Sodom and Gomorrah. Instead, He calls obedient followers to focus on seeking justice and defending the victims of abuse.\u00a0Luke 17:3<\/a>\u00a0adds this caveat:\u00a0If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive. (NLT)\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n Deeper than that though, forgiveness has very little to do with the person who hurt you.<\/p>\n Forgiveness has\u00a0everything<\/em>\u00a0to do with the state of your own internal reality. Refusal to forgive leaves you open for ongoing residual effects of bitterness, anger, resentment, revenge. Over time, holding a grudge will permeate all the aspects of your life, stealing your joy and infiltrating all your other relationships.<\/p>\n Forgiving freely releases you from the abuser\u2019s power and brings a sense of freedom to heal and move forward. But that is completely unrelated to trusting the abuser again.\u00a0In order for restoration to take place, the other person has to be a willing and humble part of the process.<\/p>\n Forgiveness may or may not happen overnight. Or it may come in layers and cycles over a period of years. Full and total forgiveness has nothing to do with a change on the part of the abuser and everything to do with peace in your own soul. But it never means turning a blind eye to ongoing patterns of sinful behavior.<\/p>\n You\u00a0can<\/em>\u00a0find emotional and mental freedom, regardless of whether or not the other person decides to change. And you\u00a0can<\/em>\u00a0maintain healthy boundaries without naively offering trust to someone who hasn\u2019t shown lasting transformation \u2013 while still experiencing and extending forgiveness.<\/p>\n Honestly, it\u2019s the only option you have for future joy.<\/p>\n The best apology is changed behavior. Reprinted with permission from Sarah’s blog<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em>You can purchase\u00a0Sarah\u2019s book here:\u00a0ONE FACE: Shed the Mask, Own Your Values, and Lead Wisely<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n Photo by\u00a0Nathan Dumlao<\/a>\u00a0on\u00a0Unsplash<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Every abuse victim has experienced secondary abuse at some point, often related to a warped philosophy of what it means to forgive. Secondary abuse comes from the people who could have made it stop, but didn\u2019t. The onlookers who were too afraid of the abuser, or refused to believe the victim, or just didn\u2019t want…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1603,"featured_media":8095,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"image","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,2,8],"tags":[200,212,182],"thb-sponsors":[],"yst_prominent_words":[],"class_list":["post-8014","post","type-post","status-publish","format-image","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-emotional-health","category-lifestyle","category-spiritual-health","tag-emotional-health-2","tag-forgiveness","tag-mind-body-spirit","post_format-post-format-image"],"acf":[],"views":560,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8014","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1603"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8014"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8014\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8096,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8014\/revisions\/8096"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/8095"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8014"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8014"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8014"},{"taxonomy":"thb-sponsors","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/thb-sponsors?post=8014"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=8014"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"sarah+mcdugal+author\"](\"http:\/\/sarahmcdugal.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/07\/8-300x251.png\")
<\/a>When third parties, pastoral leaders, counselors, and\/or peer mentors \u2014 tell a victim that in order to prove forgiveness they must rub shoulders with their abuser and give trust freely \u2014\u00a0they unwittingly re-traumatize the victim and perpetuate the cycle of abuse<\/em>. In situations with a narcissist or abuser,\u00a0what typically looks like justice (where responsibility is equally distributed between the two parties) actually\u00a0plays out as mercy for the abuser and prison for the victim<\/strong>.<\/p>\n1) Forgiveness is between you and God.<\/h3>\n
\n<\/em>B. Understand why
\n<\/em>C. Rebuild safety
\n<\/em>4. Let go.
\n<\/em>Ryan Howes, PhD<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n
\n<\/em>Marisa Donnelly<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n2) Forgiveness does not necessarily equal mercy.<\/h3>\n
![\"sarah+mcdugal+author+forgive\"](\"http:\/\/sarahmcdugal.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/07\/1-2-300x251.png\")
<\/a>\u201cYes,\u201d she replied and proceeded to administer my discipline.<\/p>\n
\nFree to be kind or cruel.
\nFree to love or hate.
\nAnd equally so, to my dismay, is everyone else.<\/p>\n3)\u00a0Free will goes both ways.<\/h3>\n
\nAbusers can\u2019t be forced to repent.<\/p>\nForgive\u2026 but also remember & learn.<\/h3>\n
![\"sarah+mcdugal+author+forgive\"](\"http:\/\/sarahmcdugal.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/07\/6-1-300x251.png\")
<\/a>If you forgive without learning from the situation and growing through the experience, then you are practically guaranteeing a repetitive cycle of poor boundaries, abusive behaviors, and enabling someone else\u2019s addiction or unrepentant sins.<\/p>\n
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>Listen to the law of our God, people of \u201cGomorrah.\u201d<\/span><\/span><\/em>
\n11\u00a0<\/sup>\u201cWhat makes you think I want all your sacrifices?\u201d<\/span><\/em>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>says the\u00a0Lord<\/span>.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/em>13<\/sup><\/span>\u00a0<\/span>I want no more of your pious meetings.
\n<\/span><\/span><\/em>14\u00a0<\/sup>I hate your new moon celebrations and your annual festivals.
\n<\/span><\/em>\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>They are a burden to me. I cannot stand them!
\n<\/span><\/span><\/em>15\u00a0<\/sup>When you lift up your hands in prayer, I will not look.
\n<\/span><\/em>\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>Though you offer many prayers, I will not listen,<\/span><\/span><\/em>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>for your hands are covered with the blood of innocent victims.<\/span><\/span><\/em>
\n16\u00a0<\/sup>Wash yourselves and be clean!<\/span><\/em>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>Get your sins out of my sight.<\/span><\/span><\/em>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>Give up your evil ways.<\/span><\/span><\/em>
\n17\u00a0<\/sup>Learn to do good.<\/span><\/em>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>Seek justice.<\/span><\/span><\/em>
\nHelp the oppressed.<\/span><\/em>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>Defend the cause of orphans.<\/span><\/span><\/em>
\n\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span>Fight for the rights of widows.<\/span><\/span><\/em><\/p>\n
\n<\/i>\u2013\u00a0<\/i>Dale Partridge, Author\/Entrepreneur<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\n