That being said, when a spouse makes abusive choices the victimized spouse often feels it is somehow their responsibility to save the one betraying the marriage vows. Does that mean every difficult marriage ought to be abandoned? Absolutely not. But victims cannot rescue abusers unless the abuser is ready and willing to take drastic steps toward repentant change. Saying \u201csorry\u201d does not equal repentance. Repentance is shown only through turning away from toxic behaviors.<\/p>\n
It sounds tragically romantic in a film script\u2026 Except that\u2019s not biblical, it\u2019s self-aggrandizing. And in real life, it just means the victim lives with a lifetime of being beaten, torn down, assaulted by words or fists or both.<\/p>\n That\u2019s not allowing God to transform a rebellious and abusive heart, it\u2019s standing as a buffer between the spouse and their consequences. Rather, Scripture calls us to show love by speaking the truth about sin.\u00a0What sorrow for those who say that evil is good and good is evil, that dark is light and light is dark, that bitter is sweet and sweet is bitter. <\/em>(Isaiah 5:20) Minimizing sin, making it appear to be less dangerous than it is in God\u2019s eyes\u2026 this is the opposite of God\u2019s way of handling those who reject His law of love.<\/p>\n Jesus took it a step further, talking about those who hurt innocent victims, when he said:\u00a0But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea.<\/em> (Matthew 18:6 \u2013 see also Luke 17 and Mark 9) In God\u2019s eyes, causing a little one (an innocent) who trusts Him to fall into sin is misrepresenting the character of God to them.<\/p>\n Misrepresenting God\u2019s love can happen through abuse, assault, molestation, violence, or verbal destruction. God takes this so seriously, knowing how difficult abusive patterns are to break, that Jesus says it might just be better to be dead.<\/p>\n Does this mean abusers can\u2019t change?<\/em> No. But genuine healing of abusive patterns does not happen in response to continued acceptance of the abuse by one\u2019s victims. Instead, it happens when the abuser decides to stop worshipping himself and transfer that adoration toward God.<\/p>\n A wise counselor in my life once told me:<\/p>\n “We are worshipers and we can\u2019t help it. Our choice isn\u2019t whether or not to worship, it\u2019s merely whom we will worship. We either worship God, another human, or ourselves. And honestly, anytime we aren\u2019t worshiping God, it\u2019s really ourselves we worship.<\/em><\/p>\n Whenever a person feels they cannot trust God with their lives, they always take one of two paths: either they attempt to get someone else to fill God\u2019s role for them, or they attempt to act in God\u2019s power for someone else.\u00a0It is one of the most fundamental principles of biblical counseling. People must understand that if they do not worship God as supreme, they substitute themselves.”\u00a0\u2013 Nicole Parker<\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n When we rescue the people we love from God-ordained consequences meant to lead them to repentance, we ultimately are calling God unloving and writing our own law. We are saying that our perception of the situation is superior to His. If we cushion and shelter someone from the natural consequences of their choices, and God later transforms them anyway, He did it in spite of us \u2014 not because of us.<\/p>\n Those who work in the areas of counseling and abuse recovery \u00a0\u2014 especially in religious circles \u2014 see this played out in the toxic cycles of shame and silence that keep victims hidden away while the focus stays on saving the abuser. Should abusers be offered saving? Yes, of course \u2014 and God extends forgiveness and salvation, the moment they choose repentance and turn away from their abusive actions in response to the gospel. The process for that, however, does not include shame and silence.<\/p>\n The second half of Matthew 18 directs the person who has been sinned against, to confront the sinner once in private. If the pattern is not changed with repentant turning away, the second confrontation includes the presence of trusted advisors. A third return to the sinful behavior should be taken before the church and, in the absence of repentance (turning away from the sin), the person should be severed from church privileges and participation.<\/p>\n Silence is never part of the biblical process of resolving sin. Of course, this is only the biblical internal process between members of a faith body. The allegation of any criminal activity must be immediately reported in full to law enforcement, or risk being held complicit. But I digress\u2026<\/p>\n Let\u2019s set the record straight here, especially when it comes to abusive relationships\u2026<\/p>\n Spouses don\u2019t save people. Jesus<\/em><\/strong> saves people.<\/em><\/p>\n The savior complex in the abuse victim context is most often a projected facade which serves to cloak a deep insecurity and neediness on the part of the victim.\u00a0In some cases, it can even be a form of secondary narcissism \u2013 the need to save the unrepentant narcissist in your life by sacrificing yourself. In other words, you\u2019re placing yourself in the position of Christ on the cross, shouldering the fallout of their toxic choices, and preventing them from experiencing the full weight of their own consequences.<\/p>\n Scripture is clear \u2013 no human comes to God except through Jesus Christ (see John 14:6). In case you\u2019re not familiar with the definition of blasphemy, this is how the dictionary defines it:<\/p>\n blasphemy<\/strong>\u00a0[blas-fuh-mee]\nnoun<\/em> Scripture is consistent with this, implying that blasphemy is anyone who acts in the place of God, impersonates God\u2019s identity, or takes God\u2019s qualities onto themselves. (See John 10:33, Luke 5:21, Revelation 2:9.)<\/p>\n Saving humans from their sins?\u00a0God\u2019s job.<\/em> Seeking out godly mentors and counselors who help you make sense of a painful and unhealthy situation?\u00a0Your job.\u00a0<\/em> But rescuing your abuser? Not your job.<\/em><\/p>\n You are not God. Reprinted with permission from Sarah’s blog<\/a>.\u00a0<\/em>You can purchase\u00a0Sarah\u2019s book here:\u00a0ONE FACE: Shed the Mask, Own Your Values, and Lead Wisely<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" As a survivor of abusive marriage who now works with women in the same shoes, I hear more than your average number of horror stories. Before you start casting stones and assuming that I think every person who has difficulty loving their spouse ought to cut and run \u2014 let me make some pre-emptive statements:…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1603,"featured_media":7470,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"image","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[9,2,8],"tags":[352,200,182,95],"thb-sponsors":[],"yst_prominent_words":[],"class_list":["post-7469","post","type-post","status-publish","format-image","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-emotional-health","category-lifestyle","category-spiritual-health","tag-domestic-abuse","tag-emotional-health-2","tag-mind-body-spirit","tag-spirituality-2","post_format-post-format-image"],"acf":[],"views":629,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7469","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1603"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=7469"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7469\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7483,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/7469\/revisions\/7483"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/7470"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=7469"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=7469"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=7469"},{"taxonomy":"thb-sponsors","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/thb-sponsors?post=7469"},{"taxonomy":"yst_prominent_words","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/yst_prominent_words?post=7469"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"\"](\"https:\/\/lifeandhealth.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/07\/shutterstock_334394816.jpg\")
<\/a>Now and then I talk to abuse victims who decided to stay despite active and unrepentant abuse, instead of leaving or setting healthy boundaries. Maybe the abusive party said \u201csorry\u201d and cried. Maybe they tried really hard to \u201cbe nice\u201d for an extended period of time. Sometimes, usually if their abuser\u2019s cycle is currently in an upswing and things seem to be \u201con the mend\u201d, I hear them talk about how their staying has \u201csaved\u201d the other person,\u00a0believing that this absence of consequential boundaries will ultimately save another person from sin.<\/p>\n
\n\u201cSelf-sacrificing spouse submitted quietly amid patterns of abuse\/adultery\/appalling behaviors for X number of decades, and then magically everything changes.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nThat\u2019s not encouraging gospel transformation, it\u2019s preventing the abuser\u2019s ultimate dependence on God.
\nThat\u2019s not living in wholeness, it\u2019s modeling an apathetic acceptance of dysfunction and raising children to expect abuse\u00a0as \u201cnormal\u201d.
\nThat\u2019s not how God defines loving others well.
\nAnd it isn\u2019t the scriptural formula for inspiring abusers to embrace humble change.<\/p>\n
\nDoes it mean victims shouldn\u2019t pray for healing and transformation?<\/em> Of course not.
\nDoes it mean there are certain types of behavior beyond God\u2019s ability to heal?<\/em> Only if the person exhibiting those behaviors refuses to be healed.<\/p>\n
\nSilence does not bring transformation.
\nSilence does not facilitate healing.
\nSilence does not save the lambs.<\/strong><\/p>\nPeople don\u2019t save people.<\/strong><\/h3>\n
\nParents don\u2019t save people.
\nPastors don\u2019t save people.<\/p>\n
\nNo human saves another human. EVER.
\nThat philosophy places us on the level of God in our own minds.<\/p>\nAnother word for pretending equality with God? #Blasphemy.<\/h3>\n
<\/a><\/p>\n
\n\u2013 the crime of assuming to oneself therights or qualities of God.
\n\u2013 irreverent behavior toward anything held sacred,\u00a0priceless, etc.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\nRemoving the natural consequences of sin and deciding who receives mercy versus justice? God\u2019s job.<\/em>
\nTaking the burden of sin on oneself instead of allowing it to fall on the sinner?\u00a0God\u2019s job.<\/em>
\nBringing stone cold hearts around to the point where they want to change?\u00a0God\u2019s job.<\/em><\/p>\n
\nSetting healthy boundaries that keep you from being drawn into co-dependency or self-reliance?\u00a0Your job.<\/em>
\nChoosing to keep your children safe from a dangerous or toxic home environment?\u00a0Your job.<\/em><\/p>\n
\nYou cannot do God\u2019s job.
\nAnd whenever we try to take credit for a transformation God has made in the heart of someone around us? Yea, well, that\u2019s playing with fire.<\/p>\n
\n